It’s Not Like I Don’t Know God

It isn’t like I have lived my whole life not knowing who God is. It’s more like I thought He felt He didn’t need to give me some specialized attention. However, looking back that is ALL He’s been doing. In the times when I would rage against Him because He wasn’t saying “yes”. In the times that I was showing up, but wasn’t present. In the times I was praying, but had no faith. In all those times He was there. It amazes me that He stayed. No matter what I have said or done, He’s been right there. It was like I was waiting on some internal switch. Like yesterday I was a sinner and BAM today I’m a saint. All my thoughts are pure. All my actions are good. All my feelings of worthlessness would suddenly be replaced with peace and love. That in a split second all my pain, heartache, sadness would be turned into rainbows and roses. I also thought that any wrong I had ever done to anyone should be gone, they should forgive me, because lets face it, I’m clean now. Maybe that’s just how I felt, and no one else has ever been there before. I can rattle off a giant list that God showed up in my life and showed off blessing me with a miracle. I will be the first to tell you, that I have heard God audibly speak to me. I was laying in the bath, crying, begging for God to come get me like He had Enoch in Genesis 5:24. I wanted to be in heaven, but not through death. Death is scary and I don’t believe, personally, in suicide. God very firmly said, “NO”. That’s all, just no. So, I climbed out, dried off, got dressed and went on about my day. I was actually a bit sad, I felt like even God didn’t want me around and certainly not in heaven. My whole world was falling down around me, and no one, not even God, would throw me a life vest. Now, now I know I was wrong. I was so wrong. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I am grateful beyond measure that He told me no. Not just about that, but about so many things I have asked for over the years. I can feel my faith in Him growing daily as I step out onto the path He is lighting at my feet.